Walk By Faith

A time upon when you’re near, it appears clear that my mind leaves the atmosphere, and I no longer have a capability to hear. The surprising delight that crosses my eyes, scream one word; paradise. As if I’ve won the biggest prize, not willing to comprimse, or even reply, I endulge with my eyes. Oh the heavenly sensation I imagine mentally, as everybody lies oblivious to my ecstasy. I sit there helplessly, Absently, I attack longingly. There you claim your authority, you never cease to amaze me; sour candy. <3

There are just things that can’t be explained, but they just have to be accepted.

He gazes and comes unseen. Only inside his head he pleads please notice me. She’s the beauty he feens, the girl of his dreams, oh her eyes as beams that peers through him. Swimming to safety from her spell she’s cast. She erases his past of hurt that his last will never come back in that head he tries to keep intact. She watches that carefree stride, then says goodbye to her pride as her insides collide. Knowing she has no control of her heart being 200 a minute yet so slow. But you’ll never know, thoughts she’s wrote over and over in her mind as she fantasizes, everytime she sees those tauning eyes. “Are you okay?” She says, “I’m fine.” But she’s lying cos in the back of her head swirly lines are combined but her head is empty at the same time. He watches the other guys approach, then listens to they way they boast. Don’t listen to those jerks who don’t know how to be a gentlemen. They don’t come close. Tension arose as he slowly made his way.. (to be continued)

I tore down my wall til it was ripped up into a million hopeless pieces, I vocalized my weakness in secret praying you’ll keep it. But you deceived it. You lifted it up high so everybody could view. All of my nightmares appeared to come true. Sitting disappointedly unaware of what to do, I placed myself below the belows after these scars formed by you. Did I do anything to deserve such agony, took the knife and gushed it in the back of me, sadly ironically this had be done to yours truly. So I hide and cry oh my why must this be I? Then I see and hear the voice of the one and only son. He tells me there are better days to come and to stop worrying so much. And I sit and I stand raising up my hands for I know I’ve been selfish to believe I was alone. Spreading his arms as I embrace my home. Depending on humanity slowed me down theyll eventually leave wont always be around. Tangled in vein, releasing the pain I can no longer contain. Wondering how I could not see, he was in plain sight walking beside me. Constant revelations scream in my ear, yet there’s no sound. On my own, I caused myself to drown. Climbing on an endless broken ladder, demons pulled me down stating; I have her. Demons to my left, angels to my right. My mind goes blank as I trailed to the light. Constantly being attacked and kidnapped, I found my way back. I’ve missed this love more than life. It’s obvious who wins this fight everytime. There I come to realize, he paid the price, he sacrificed. Lifting your name up high as my happy tears divide I cry and sigh for I know all will be alright.

I’ll pretend your degrading words don’t sting. I vowed years ago to never let words activate my tears because of you. No, it does not mean I’m heartless, it doesn’t mean I don’t care, it doesn’t mean you should keep rolling with the most humiliating downgrading words that you can possibly think of until you see my weakness. No, because you won’t get it out of me. But if you look inside of this frozen heart of mine, you would see, that there is still that little girl in there, curled up in a small ball crying out for you to forgive her for something she didn’t even do wrong. There is still that little girl who wants everything to be okay, she’s still there. She’s still weak. She still hurts. The words… still sting. But you won’t see that no, the most you’ll see is those moments where you come to apologize and I’ll give you the most loving smile and tell you sincerely that it’s okay. Because, I love you. You say it’s not okay, you keep apologizing, you tell me to “show you some emotion” and all I can do is hug you because I stopped crying a long time ago.

Love?

What’s that? Is it when although you are floating in the river of unhappiness, although there’s silence that lingers between the two of you, although the whole big picture refuses to be right, although everything twists to be some sort of horrible situation you are paralyzed in, and you start to question every inch of your breathtaking relationship that within time hit the bricks and wonder what went wrong, you cannot bear the thought of losing that person in your life? Because if so, I love you so much but I don’t know where this is taking me.

I can’t bear the thought of making such a self-punishing decision but I’m not happy. This situation I’ve been placed in seems impossible to find a hole out. What to do..

What. Was. That. Dream.

I can’t get it off my mind! What is this? Why? Nooo. Seriously, that’s all I could think about all day. It was super awkward talking to you too. Well then, this is awkward.

Drowning. In my own cries. Tearing up my mind as I replay those distant memories when you were mine. I miss you, and it stings like a peeling rash. And the truth splashes on the surface; I want you back. Damn, it’s been a year but the pain is still fresh. I threw out 20% while you handed back your best. I miss your voice. Hah, I even miss your temper. The time we ran down the hill like two carefreee children is now just a thing to remember. The way you wrapped your arms around me, the way your hug was so tight. The way you were my lullaby before I went to sleep at night. The way.. everything felt right.

But then, it also felt so wrong. 

And that’s the reason everything fell apart. I stabbed a dart through my own heart by hurting you. But best friend, I guess you taught me something new. Happily ever afters aren’t meant to come true.

A Babymaker Mixtape. 

Playlist:

1. Scratches - Audio Push

2. Nobody - Keith Sweat

3. Foreplay - Chris Brown

4. Feelin On Your Booty - R. Kelly

5. End Of The Night - Bei Maejor

6. Sweat - Audio Push Ft. Ty$

7. Neighbors Know My Name - Trey Songz

8. Lets Make a Movie - Twista Ft. Chris Brown

9. Pregnant (Remix) - Chris Brown Ft. Tyrese & R. Kelly

10. Take You Down - Chris Brown

11. Bump N’ Grind - R. Kelly

12. Holla If You Need Me - Trey Songz

13. Falsetto - The Dream

14. Grind With Me - Pretty Ricky

15. Bed - J. Holiday

16. Motivation - Kelly Rowland Ft. Lil Wayne

17. Sex With You - Marques Houston

18. Makin Good Love - Avant

19. Pony - Ginuwine

20. Take It Off - Lloyd Ft. J. Holiday

21. Read Your Mind - Avant

22. Lay It Down - Lloyd

23. Our First Time - Bruno Mars

24. No BullShit (Dondria Remix) - Chris Brown

25.  How To Fuck - Pleasure P

26. Ignition (Remix) - R. Kelly

(Source: , via itsromniccasasola)

“Daddy, daddy look what I did!”

Not. Good. Enough. 

Dear father, I hope one day you’ll be able to look me in the eye and say, “I’m proud of you.” I’m sorry I can never be good enough. I’m sorry if I’ve failed you sooo much and if I’m such a horrible daughter just because I got 2 B’s on my progress report. And guess what? I raised them but it’s still no good. You’re still mad. You say it’s not good enough. Why is it an A? Why isn’t it an A+? I can do better. I’m not trying good enough. I’m a disappointment, a disgrace. If I don’t raise it to a “plus” then i’m grounded? YOU are the reason I want to give up. You say you’re doing this cause maybe if you push me and push me, I’ll do better. Well that’s not the case, it makes me want to quit. Because pleasing you is impossible.

No more what ifs.

I refuse to stroll through my life in “what if’s.” I’ve done that way too many times in the past but honestly, I have zero regrets. If I could go back in time, I know I would choose the same exact thing over again because in that moment of vulnerability, my instincts kicked in and I chose the choice that was best. I followed the moment for what was best in that time. I strongly believe everything happens for a reason and if I had chosen differently, everything would be entirely different. It could even be worse. We should all be thankful for our current situations because this may be the best situation for us. Yes, we probably all must have picked a bad choice but that’s in the past. We have to work around it. What’s said has already been said, what’s done has already been done. There’s no point of moping around the past when there’s a future that you yourself can build. 

Falling in Love with your Best Friend.

Doesn’t it sound so magical? Well, it’s not. It’s much more complicated than it sounds. It only ends well if you’re one of those lucky ones. Unfortunately for me, I wasn’t one of those lucky ones. I lost one of the most important people in my life because of this love. Fatal love. We had our amazing moments, then our depressing moments. These days it seems as if the depressing moments overwrote the good moments, but that’s not the case. The most depressing moments is now, the moments where he’s no longer present in my life. Our arguments? No, they had nothing on the situation now. It hurts more now. Our good moments, they hurt way more now too. Looking back, it’s like a fairytale movie except we had no “happily ever after.” We both realized things a little too late, we had blow up fights, we had all nighters, talking 24/7. Jealousy, tons of jealousy, oh boy. But most of all, I had somebody who completely understood me and was with me through every single thing I went through. Falling in love with your best friend, yes it can be the most magical thing in the entire world. But it can also be the most depressing thing ever. 

Nobody knows me. I let them see what I want them to see, then hide the rest away.

Either way I choose, it’d both end up bad. It’s pretty much a lose lose situation. Either way pain gets involved. I think this is the best way though. Sooo, I’m sticking with this. Don’t you dare tell me I didn’t try.